I'm a 25 year old girl, working in television in Los Angeles and trying my hardest not to get pulled under. This is my log of my journey towards success in health and happiness.

CW: 165
GW1: 160
GW2: 155
GW3: 150
GW4: 145
GW5: 140

  1.  

    SORRY!

    I’ve been super MIA this past week. I was completely reorganizing my life and adjusting to my new medication. 

    ALSO, I was told YEARS belatedly (thanks, mom) that I’m allergic to gluten and lactose intolerant. So, I’m reconfiguring my life to get rid of gluten and then next week I’ll start taking out dairy. It’s going to be a struggle, but I’m only one day in and already feeling 10x better.

    ALSO ALSO, I’m going to be spending less time on this account and more on my personal/entertainment tumblr, charincharge, so if you’d like to follow me over there, you can see more of me in my real life, haha. As opposed to just what I eat every day and what my workouts are going to be.

    xoxo.

  2.  

    Just got back from the doctor and was told that I have an EDNOS. I don’t know why this surprised me. It really shouldn’t have, though, I guess. My calorie counting has been incredibly obsessive, and I binged pretty much every day last week. I’ve been put on a new medication for my PTSD, which he said most likely won’t make me gain weight, but I suppose that remains to be seen.

    I’m glad I’m getting my head sorted out. Clearly it needs sorting.

  3.  

    Day 177

    I stepped on the scale this morning. After four weeks of seeing 149.5, I finally saw 148. Progress. It’s happening. Yes, I’m making progress incredibly slowly, but it’s happening none the less.

    I’m nervous for tomorrow, though. My medication is being altered, and I’m afraid they’re going to put me on something that will make me gain. I know it’s important that I take the right medication, but I also feel like I’ve worked so hard these past six months, and I don’t want to see my work diminished by a pill. Are any of you on meds that make you gain and how to you deal with it?

    Trying to focus on tonight, though. Since I can’t really do anything about something that hasn’t happened yet. Depending on what time I get out of work, I will be going to the gym to do weight lifting, going to the gym to do cardio, or trying out a yoga class, then showering and going out to drinks with a friend (which I’m contemplating canceling, depending on the time). Soooo, essentially, i have no idea what my night is going to entail. Sounds good, right?

  4.  

    Day 176

    Happy August, everyone! Unfortunately, the month of July was a bit rocky. I fell of the train more than once regarding clean eating and keeping my exercise schedule. I felt like a failure for the majority of the month, and I used drinking as a crutch to help me forget. August is going to be different. I’m taking care of myself and sticking to my goals. 

    Therapy is first up on that list. I finally started seeing a therapist that I like and who specializes in the trauma that I’ve had to deal with. She’s helped me a lot already in the three sessions we’ve had, and I know we’ll continue to make positive strides towards healing. The problem with this, though, is that I’ve ignored my problems for so long that in order to heal, I metaphorically have to rebreak the bone so it can set properly. I know this will be a process and I’ll have up days and down days, but this is the most essential part of my journey, and I’m proud of myself for finally taking that step.

    Yoga. I’ve said I’m going to do yoga every week for the past four months and still haven’t taken a step into a studio. However, I think it’s something that could be really great for me mentally as well as physically. I’m looking into yoga studios (in Hollywood or West Hollywood, if anyone has any suggestions).

    Clean Eating is also something on which I’m going to work harder. Every Sunday I’m going to come up with a meal plan for myself, go grocery shopping, and cook/freeze those meals for the remainder of the week. Yes, it’ll be a lot of work on a Sunday. But it’ll also eliminate any excuse I have of not to eat healthfully. I also want to work on incorporating more colorful vegetables into those meals. Recipes are always welcome!

    The Computer. Obviously with my job, staying off the internet isn’t a feasible thing, however, I’m making a concerted effort to spend as little time on the computer as I can when I’m not at work. Not only is it killing my posture and my eyes, but it’s taking up too much mental space. The one exception to this being…

    Writing. I need to focus on my writing again. My plan is to finish editing my novel in the month of August and start querying. 

    The month of August is going to be a busy one, but I’m motivated again for the first time in weeks, and I’m not going to let that slip away. I need to recognize that while I’m pushing myself mentally, I need to take it slightly easier physically. And I need to not beat myself up about that. This process isn’t going to work or be successful unless I let myself get better.

  5.  

    Ending my night with therapy, cardio, and veggie chicken nuggets. All in all, a well balanced evening.

  6.  

    Day 175

    Last night the gym just didn’t happen for me. I went home, made ravioli, and hopped into bed. THEN my roommate came home and demanded I go out with him (we’d both had pretty shitty days). And I had two light beers and ran into Michelle Trachtenberg, haha. All in all, not a bad evening. 

    I need to figure out a way to have four small meals a day as opposed to two larger ones (which is what I’ve been doing). In my office it’s incredibly hard to bring in my own food (our refrigerator space is incredibly limited) and lunch is paid for three times a week (so naturally I jump on that). But there are only so many times you can eat a salad with chicken, and I’ve noticed that if I don’t have an afternoon snack as well, I get really light headed at the gym and spend the rest of the evening with a massive headache (no matter how well hydrated I am).

    Balance is just not happening for me right now. Definitely struggling. Would love any sort of advice/motivation from those in the workplace.

  7.  

    Day 174

    Getting back on track this weekend was harder than I imagined. I made it to the gym Thurs, Fri, and Sunday, but my eating left something to be desired. I’m trying to make this week a better one, but I have a few social obligations to attend this week after work. We’ll see how it goes.

    Just ordered a salad w/ chicken, pine nuts, and currants for lunch. It sounds delicious, and I think I may just make my own dressing with olive oil and balsamic as opposed to the one they give me there. I don’t know what I’m going to do about dinner yet, but I did go grocery shopping yesterday afternoon so I couldn’t have an excuse to order out again.

    I’ve also fallen completely off of weight training, which I know is hurting my progress. I say I’m going to do it every time and then I don’t. I think it’s because the sweating and adrenaline rush I get from cardio feels so much better than the strain and pain weight training gets me. However, I know I just need to convince myself to get back into it.

    NO MORE EXCUSES.

  8.  

    Day 171

    So, I went to the gym last night. I went, I saw, I conquered. It felt fucking AMAZING. Thank you to everyone for your motivational words to get me off my ass and back into the gym. It absolutely kicked my little butt (I’m working on growing it, k?), but I was somehow able to maintain my previous pace on the bike (12.5 miles, 4.4k ft of hills in 50 minutes). And I didn’t pass out or anything, haha.

    Tonight, I’m going to lift lift lift. Friday nights are usually fairly empty at my gym (since it’s smack dab in the middle of Boys Town and no one wants to spend their time anywhere else but boozing it up and getting their dance on), so I shouldn’t have a hard time using the weights that I want. I’m thinking squats and deadlifts with some extra focus on my thighs and glutes. Working the biggest muscle groups, right? That’s how it’s done. Okay, feeling peppy and in a better mindset after my night of cardio. Let’s hope this lasts until work ends tonight!

  9.  

    Day 170

    It’s hard getting back into the swing of things. Forcing myself to go to the gym tonight because I can just see myself falling off the train. Someone motivate me, please? I don’t know why I’m all of a sudden feeling so ambivalent towards my health.

  10.  

    Day 168

    Well, today started off…not so well. I slept through my alarm - a FULL HOUR - and got to work just after 10 (when I’m supposed to open the offices at 9). Thank god one of the other assistants was there early and could help set everything up, and my boss didn’t get in until 30 mins after I’d arrived. But HOLY FKING SHIT, Y’ALL. I’ve never panicked like that so much in my entire life. I didn’t even brush my hair before leaving the house.

    Tonight, no gym. Just therapy. Hopefully it goes just as well as last week and we’re able to come up with a financial solution to my insurance problem. 

  11.  

    First Table Read of the Season

    Nothing like being surrounded by a room full of successful actors/actresses to make me feel like utter shit about my body. This is such a problem with my job. I knew that I was going to have to deal with this when I started my career in the entertainment industry, but it had never been so prevalent to me before. Lunch was served at the table, but I was too self-conscious to eat more than a nectarine. Now I don’t know when I’ll be able to eat again, since I can’t leave the office to grab food. And my plan was to go to the gym after work.

    I know that my journey to success involves eating healthfully and exercising to make sure I’m taking care of my body, but it gets very frustrating to watch these actresses. I know it’s their job to look good on camera (and that is most assuredly not my job), but I can’t help but compare sometimes. Could my body EVER look like theirs? Even at its healthiest? I honestly don’t know.

  12.  

    Day 166

    I can’t seem to motivate myself this weekend. I don’t know what it is. Maybe PMS or just residual exhaustion from my midnight showing during the work week? But I haven’t been putting forth any effort towards my eating or exercising. It’s the afternoon and I’m still in bed. Going to get up and have leftover Chinese. Then, revising the second act of my spec pilot. Then, the gym.

    I have a feeling it’ll be empty enough to do weight training without waiting if I don’t go until later in the afternoon. Hopefully I’ll have gained some motivation to push myself by then too.

  13.  

    Day 164

    So incredibly exhausted today. TDKR was everything I wanted it to be and totally worth only getting four hours of sleep.

    I still can’t wrap my head around what happened in Colorado. I know that’s not what I use this blog for, but I truly can’t comprehend going to a midnight showing as an excited fan and having THAT happen. Such a sad thing to overshadow such a spectacular movie.

    Anyway, my goal is to attempt to go to the gym tonight, but we’ll see how realistic that is after getting out of work. I may just decide to go home, shower, and get into bed with a book before the sun even goes down. I could definitely use the sleep. If that’s the case, I’ll have double the intensity in my work outs on Saturday and Sunday.

  14.  

    Just Found Out

    My coworker is totally obsessed with his weight. He’s 30, super tall, not out of shape and eats pretty healthfully (he has a gluten allergy, so it’s almost second nature). So I didn’t take him for someone who would focus on the scale.

    But he was telling me this morning how he lost three pounds from yesterday to today, and how fucking awesome he must be to lose that much in one night. I tried to be like - yeah, but that could have been water weight or whatever you ate yesterday passing through - and he was ADAMANT that because he weighed himself at the same time every morning that he HAD to have lost three pounds.

    Has anyone else had an experience like this with a straight guy???

  15.  

    Day 163

    CALAMITY. I hate my insurance company. I called to check what my coverage would be for therapy, and honestly? It’s total shit. So much so that I most likely can’t afford to continue seeing my new therapist unless she agrees to some sort of sliding scale (which I have this feeling that she won’t). Lovely. I’m still going to call her and ask, but I think I also need to start looking for an alternate option. Not sure what that’s going to be.

    For now, I’m content to think about the peanut butter and banana sandwich I will have for lunch and sip on my water.

    Happy Thursday, y’all.