I'm a 25 year old girl, working in television in Los Angeles and trying my hardest not to get pulled under. This is my log of my journey towards success in health and happiness.

CW: 165
GW1: 160
GW2: 155
GW3: 150
GW4: 145
GW5: 140

  1.  

    Day 121

    I had a bad night last night, and it’s rolling over into my day today. I went out for drinks and dinner with a friend, and he somehow convinced me to get BBQ with him. I had BBQ tri-tip sliders and a side of mac and cheese and a GIANT beer (25 oz.), and I went home and felt so sick.

    This morning, I was still feeling nauseous and couldn’t eat any breakfast, which is so bad, I know. But I could only handle coffee. I’ve ordered a salad for lunch, but it’s totally thrown me off. I’m heading to the gym after work tonight, but I just don’t know. I’m feeling a tad too crappy when my life should be so good right now.

    Sigh.

  2.  

    Day 119

    I’ve been a little MIA this week, but I haven’t been slacking. Been having a cardio-heavy week at the gym to expel all my nervous energy. And then I’ve been spending time with my friends every day enjoying dinner, movies, tv, etc.

    I start my new job tomorrow, and I hope I’ll still be able to make time to go on this thing. Life feels a bit up in the air at the moment, but I”m excited to see how it’s going to turn out :)

  3.  

    Best. Day. Ever.

    I GOT THE JOB! And I reached my goal weight. I start on Monday :)

  4.  

    Day 114

    Just woke up to a call asking if I wouldn’t mind rescheduling my interview to tomorrow afternoon. I wish I could just get it over with, but … at least I can be thoroughly productive today! I just unpacked my suitcases and put away all the clean dishes. Now, for the rest of the day I just have to figure out how to get everything else I need to get done.

    TO DO:
    - grocery shop
         -> come up with meal plan for the week
         -> laundry detergent/paper towels/toilet paper
    - schedule dentist and gyno
    - go to the gym
    - laundry
    - look for espadrilles to go with my interview dress
    - eye exam at Lenscrafters
    - read script to prepare for interview

    WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN???

    I think I’m going to continue to sip my tea and read that script for a bit. Ease into my day slowly. I’m feeling like good things are on their way…

  5.  

    Day 106

    Sorry I have been so MIA this past week. I really didn’t want to be spewing negativity all over everyone’s feeds, and I also really needed to just take some time off from some of the negative mindsets that have started to pervade this community. It definitely worked. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world.

    Yesterday was my last session with the personal trainer I bought with my tax return money. It was very bittersweet, but it also showed me how much I’d improved in the past two months. I’m able to lift so much heavier, I’ve started to see definition in my arms and shoulders, and I’ve lost body fat percentage while maintaining the number on the scale, which means I’ve been able to build up some muscle and strength (which was my goal!)

    This week is going to be a little bit murky still - I’m trying to figure out my gym schedule on top of trying to find a job and going home for my little sister’s graduation (which happens to be as far across the country from LA as you can get) and managing my stress level/financial concerns. Today is my last day at my current job, and then I’ll be living the life of unemployment. So… Not sure what this week is going to bring. But hopefully it’ll be good. xoxo.

  6.  

    Day 103

    This week has been an insane blur of work, writing, and desperation. Unfortunately, there hasn’t been much time for the gym to fit in there. On Wednesday, I had two job interviews, and I have another one next week. It’s been absolute mayhem, and I’m really banking on landing a job before I head back home to my little sister’s graduation next Thursday.

    It’s good to have a lot on my plate, but I’m definitely ready for things to calm down again, so I can get back to my gym regimen. Fingers crossed one of the interviews pans out soon.

  7.  

    Day 100

    Well, that seems pretty unreal. 100 days at this? Absolute insanity. I didn’t go to the gym last night. My muscles were killing me, and my job stress made me have an epic breakdown last night, so I took my rest day as scheduled. And then I crazy stress ate. And it was terrible.

    I think I just need one of those days where I curl into a ball and spend an hour crying and then roll out of bed and be fine. Everything has been continually building with no real finish in sight, and it’s definitely wearing on me. But I’ll be okay because I have to be. 

    Tonight, the gym is mine.

  8.  

    Day 98

    Yesterday was pretty fantastic. I walked four miles and biked four miles…. And then finished my day off with four vodka tonics. It was my own really necessary version of a triathlon.

    I know that alcohol isn’t healthy, but I’m not a partier or heavy drinker regularly. Last night was an incredible celebration. The boss who harassed me at my last job was fired on Friday. All his former employees went our for an epic celebration into the wee hours of the night. I ate super cleanly yesterday as well as the rest of the week, so even with the drinks I remained within my calorie count.

    Now I’m heading over to Starbucks for a skinny hazelnut latte before I see my personal trainer in about two hours. He’s going to yell at me for having had too much to drink last night, but I’m too happy to be stressed right now (for the first time all week).

    Goal for the week - eat cleanly every day, no alcohol, and get a job interview! Happy Mothers Day to the mamas out there and happy Sunday to everyone else! Xoxo.

  9.  

    Day 95

    This week has just been epic fail after epic fail. Last night, I was supposed to pick my friend up from the airport, drop her off at my apartment, and head straight to the gym. Instead, she her flight was canceled, so she showed up an hour and a half later than anticipated, and then her bag was lost, which took an extra half an hour to deal with. The gym ended up not happening, simply because I needed to go home and shower and get into bed, rather than exercising.

    Then, this morning, the airline called to tell her they’d found her bag. Only they called almost two hours before I need to get up in the morning. And I’m a very bad sleeper, and not a morning person, so that wasn’t so delightful…

    Caffeine is my savior today. 

    I’m meeting a friend for networking drinks tonight, but I brought my gym bag with me, just in case we wrap up early enough for me to get in some gym time tonight. Like I’ve said all week, I’m focusing on finding a job right now, but I hate the way I feel when I don’t make time for the gym, too, so I really need to find a balance. This stuff is hard, y’all! But I’m trying to stay as positive as humanly possible. I CAN DO THIS. Right? RIGHT???

  10.  

    Day 94

    Word of the day - compromise - to come to agreement by mutual concession.

    I compromised with my father (whom I rarely speak to) and arranged lunch together, so he thinks he’s a caring father, and I don’t have to deal with him for another several months.

    I compromised with my best friend (who’s staying at my apartment for the next few days) that I’ll pick her up from the airport if I can drop her off at my apartment and go to the gym after work. Because I have a feeling I’m going to be cranky after spending an hour with my father. I’m thinking running, for sure.

    We’ll see how it goes.

  11.  

    Day 93

    Last night I spent a lot of time thinking about judgement. I feel like I’ve been the scrutiny of some judgement in the recent weeks, and I need to vent minorly.

    Why do some people feel the need to judge others based on small things they know about them? - the way they do their hair, they have too many boyfriends, too few boyfriends, they swear too much, they don’t listen to the right music or watch the right movies, they keep the wrong company…the list goes on.

    I know it shouldn’t matter what others think of me, but it starts to have an effect after a while. You start to think something’s wrong with you for not wanting to behave the way others expect you to. But here’s the thing - the people who judge me the most have NO idea who I am and what I’ve been through. When I tell someone that my little sister doesn’t know where she’s going to college because she’s waiting to hear back on her appeal to the financial aid, they don’t know that my mother raised three girls single-handed because my dad refused to go to rehab and ended up kicking him out. They don’t know that he’s still mentally unstable and hasn’t paid anything in back child support for the past twelve years. Instead, they just think - oh, she’s poor. I see it in their eyes, and it hurts more than I can say. They don’t know anything of my past or who I am or why I do the things I do. Instead, they make snap judgments based on the way I respond to things in every day life. 

    Basically, it sucks. It’s hard to try and live a healthy lifestyle and have a healthy mindset when people are always second guessing you and spitting on your hard work.

  12.  

    Day 89

    It’s amazing what time with friends, a full night’s sleep, and a little bit of hope will do to a girl’s attitude. I woke up this morning feeling considerably better about life than I had been for the past few days, and I know that’s due to letting go of my pessimistic and impatient mindset and just letting things happen.

    Last night, I realized that I’m doing everything I can, and I’m great at what I do. I have lots of people pulling for me. And honestly, if I don’t get staffed in the next few weeks, I can find a plan B and work on my writing. It’s not ideal, but it’s an option. I told myself at the beginning of this year that THIS was going to be the year I found representation and finished my novel, and while I’ve made great strides towards both, I also wouldn’t mind having the extra time to pursue them further. 

    I know this isn’t fitness related, but this is about my journey towards a successful life, and I can’t have one of those without a job I love.

  13.  

    Day 88

    Last night was an introspective night. I went home (after sitting in an hour and a half of traffic, thanks to ColdPlay playing at the Hollywood Bowl), ordered Thai food, and thought about why I’ve fallen into this funk and what I can do to get out of it.

    My job has been taking up most of my thoughts at the moment. TV Upfronts are in a week and a half, and then there will be a hiring frenzy. I talked with my boss yesterday, and we came up with an “out date” for me, since I plan on getting on a show, so I have just over two weeks left here. I think that in itself was comforting. I feel like I’ve been treading water at this job, and so by knowing exactly when I’m finished and theoretically moving on, I felt better.

    The second thing I think that’s really been affecting me is not getting a good amount of sleep. I know that my new neighbors have played a big role in this, and so instead of letting shit continue on, I wrote them a note. I’m a writer, so I like to think it was articulately explained as well as being kind. I didn’t hear a peep from them last night, so I’m hoping they understood. But…I guess that really remains to be seen. And besides my neighbor, I decided to start turning my light off 30 minutes earlier every night. It’s not a huge difference, but an extra 30 minutes every night suddenly turns into an extra 3.5 hours a week.

    Last is making time for the gym. I’ve been good at this, but my heart hasn’t really been in it. I know that it’s been pushed to the back of my mind because of everything else, but I remember how much I loved going to the gym when I started this journey nearly three months ago, and I’m sad some of that has disappeared. I’m going to try and start attending classes for my cardio instead of solo time on a bike or treadmill. I think I miss a group environment and a teacher pushing me.

    Three small changes in my state of mind, and already I’m feeling a lot better. I’m going to continue to put my search for a new job first - which includes networking events for the next four nights, but I’m going to go to yoga on Saturday morning and maybe take a new class on Sunday. I need to remember this is a process, a journey, and I can’t rush it. It’s going to take time, and I have to learn to be okay with that.

  14.  

    Day 85

    Yesterday, I binged for the first time since I started this lifestyle. I wasn’t in a good place mentally, and I’d been surrounded by triggers all weekend…and I just lost the will to care anymore. It was terrible. I had 800 in my first sitting and almost 1700 in my second. I couldn’t fall asleep for hours after because I was so plagued with guilt, as well as being physically uncomfortable. It was horrible. 

    My relationship with food has always been incredibly difficult, but I was really upset with myself after I realized what I’d done. 

    I know that today is a new day, and yesterday doesn’t have to affect me, but mentally it felt like such a huge slip. I need to work on putting myself back into a healthier head space. I brought in my homemade whole wheat banana walnut muffins for breakfast and some hummus, carrots, pita, and apples for lunch, so I’ll be eating really cleanly for the rest of the day. I just need to remind myself that I can do this, that I have *been* doing this, and I can’t let any outside stresses derail me from taking care of myself first and foremost. Watch out for a motivation picspam in the near future… xoxo, LC

  15.  

    Day 80

    Today was the first Wednesday that I didn’t step on the scale in two months. It’s weird. I know that weight is just a number (and is often inaccurate as a measure of health), but stepping on the scale once a week was still a matter of comfort to show that I hadn’t gone too far from where I want to be. I’m not one of those people who steps on the scale and goes, OMG, 152, I’M SO FAT! - My reaction is more, Okay, still at 152? I’m still maintaining while weight training. I hope I have new muscle!

    It’s more of a gauge to see if I’ve jumped up. I’ve found that when I don’t weigh myself, I tend to lose motivation and gain weight at a much quicker rate than when I know I have to step on the scale. I know that’s not the healthiest mindset. I am working on changing it, but it’s difficult. 

    I feel like I’m changing a lot in my life all at once. For the first time in a very long time, I’m putting myself and my needs before anything else. And it’s scary. I’ve started going to the gym 5-6 times a week, and I started working on edits of my novel, as well as researching agents and putting together queries. I’ve eliminated fair-weather friends and incorporated new ones who have ambition and care about their careers. I know exactly what I want my next career step to be and am doing everything within my power to get there. And I’ve made the conscious decision to start dating again (even though I haven’t started that one yet). If you knew anything about me six months ago, you’d understand why this is so overwhelming. So, if stepping on a scale once a week is going to allow me a small piece of mind, I don’t see the harm in continuing to do so.