I’m getting stronger. Yesterday was the first time I really truly noticed it. But I can see definition in my arms, I’m getting more of a butt (FINALLY), and as my trainer mentioned, my face is thinning out a little. I know that this has been an incredibly slow process (as it should be), but it was nice to realize there has been some change in the three months I’ve been at this lifestyle change.
It gave me hope and encouragement, two things that I’ve been in dire need of at the moment.
So much so that I’m contemplating forgoing my rest day in favor of going to the gym tonight. We’ll see how the day goes, but that’s the plan for now. So much excess energy that needs to be dispelled somewhere. The treadmill might be the place. Getting stuff done beginning today! xoxo LC.
Last night was an introspective night. I went home (after sitting in an hour and a half of traffic, thanks to ColdPlay playing at the Hollywood Bowl), ordered Thai food, and thought about why I’ve fallen into this funk and what I can do to get out of it.
My job has been taking up most of my thoughts at the moment. TV Upfronts are in a week and a half, and then there will be a hiring frenzy. I talked with my boss yesterday, and we came up with an “out date” for me, since I plan on getting on a show, so I have just over two weeks left here. I think that in itself was comforting. I feel like I’ve been treading water at this job, and so by knowing exactly when I’m finished and theoretically moving on, I felt better.
The second thing I think that’s really been affecting me is not getting a good amount of sleep. I know that my new neighbors have played a big role in this, and so instead of letting shit continue on, I wrote them a note. I’m a writer, so I like to think it was articulately explained as well as being kind. I didn’t hear a peep from them last night, so I’m hoping they understood. But…I guess that really remains to be seen. And besides my neighbor, I decided to start turning my light off 30 minutes earlier every night. It’s not a huge difference, but an extra 30 minutes every night suddenly turns into an extra 3.5 hours a week.
Last is making time for the gym. I’ve been good at this, but my heart hasn’t really been in it. I know that it’s been pushed to the back of my mind because of everything else, but I remember how much I loved going to the gym when I started this journey nearly three months ago, and I’m sad some of that has disappeared. I’m going to try and start attending classes for my cardio instead of solo time on a bike or treadmill. I think I miss a group environment and a teacher pushing me.
Three small changes in my state of mind, and already I’m feeling a lot better. I’m going to continue to put my search for a new job first - which includes networking events for the next four nights, but I’m going to go to yoga on Saturday morning and maybe take a new class on Sunday. I need to remember this is a process, a journey, and I can’t rush it. It’s going to take time, and I have to learn to be okay with that.
Today was the first Wednesday that I didn’t step on the scale in two months. It’s weird. I know that weight is just a number (and is often inaccurate as a measure of health), but stepping on the scale once a week was still a matter of comfort to show that I hadn’t gone too far from where I want to be. I’m not one of those people who steps on the scale and goes, OMG, 152, I’M SO FAT! - My reaction is more, Okay, still at 152? I’m still maintaining while weight training. I hope I have new muscle!
It’s more of a gauge to see if I’ve jumped up. I’ve found that when I don’t weigh myself, I tend to lose motivation and gain weight at a much quicker rate than when I know I have to step on the scale. I know that’s not the healthiest mindset. I am working on changing it, but it’s difficult.
I feel like I’m changing a lot in my life all at once. For the first time in a very long time, I’m putting myself and my needs before anything else. And it’s scary. I’ve started going to the gym 5-6 times a week, and I started working on edits of my novel, as well as researching agents and putting together queries. I’ve eliminated fair-weather friends and incorporated new ones who have ambition and care about their careers. I know exactly what I want my next career step to be and am doing everything within my power to get there. And I’ve made the conscious decision to start dating again (even though I haven’t started that one yet). If you knew anything about me six months ago, you’d understand why this is so overwhelming. So, if stepping on a scale once a week is going to allow me a small piece of mind, I don’t see the harm in continuing to do so.
This is the real truth, isn’t it? You can say you’re going to do something tomorrow until there is no more tomorrow, but the time for change is now. This is why I’m resolved to go home tonight and finish my spec pilot. I’m also going to write for an hour after the gym every night. I want to be able to send out queries about my novel by this summer.